His Mercy to Me!
By Brandie Clayton
Hi! My name is Brandie Clayton. I’m 23 years old, and I would like
to share with the sisters who read this what the blessed Saviour has done
for me.
I didn’t come from a Christian home. My parents tried hard to raise
us “right”, (according to the world). They made sure we had a good education
and the best of everything we could desire. I remember my heart being so
full of greed and selfishness. I was always discontent. My parents had
a troubled marriage and divorced when I was around 12. After the divorce,
the few rules I had on me were lifted since my parents were divided and
busy dating. I was glad to have my new “freedom”. Many of my friends whose
parents divorced were so “free” to do what they wanted; now I could join
them. I became very involved in immorality around that time. That continued
on and got worse. When I was around 16 I became so dissatisfied with life.
Everything I sought after left me empty. My dad got me a new car. I would
go shopping, exercise, tan, had friends and boyfriends, but nothing would
fill the void I felt in my life. One night on the way home from my boyfriend’s,
I remember screaming and crying, and I said, “God, help me!” I wasn’t really
praying.. I don’t think I realized what I was saying — but, I praise God
he heard and answered my prayer!
A very short time after that I was working late one night doing inventory
and I was assigned a partner to work with. We took a break together, and
before she ate, she silently prayed. I remember just looking at her and
being convicted of the simple fact that she thanked God for her food and
I didn’t. It wasn’t that I hadn’t seen anyone pray before — I can’t explain
it, except that that’s what God used to get my attention. She looked at
me after she prayed and said, “Are you a Christian?” I told her I didn’t
think so. She got a very serious look on her face and said, “If you died
right now, do you know where you’d go?”
I said, “No.”
She said, “to hell”. Nobody had ever told me that — nobody had
been honest enough. I thought only murderers and child abusers went to
hell! She explained to me that we are all sinners and guilty before God.
As soon as she said I was a sinner and guilty, I knew that was true. Deep
down I knew the things I did were wrong, but I felt, “Everybody does these
things. How can it be that wrong?” The world says, “You’re a good person!
All you need is more self esteem and to believe in yourself!” What a lie!!
I realized that night that I was just as guilty as a murderer. She told
me of my need of salvation and invited me to come to church. I didn’t go
for awhile; I just pondered what she had told me. Then I went over to her
house and asked her to tell me more. She and her son sat down with only
a Bible and talked to me for hours and showed me scripture after scripture.
I saw from the Bible that I was dead in my sins, and then they would show
me verses that spoke of the Son of God who came and died for the sins of
his people. It was so sweet to my ears and my sinful life began to lose
it’s attraction. I started going to church some with her and her son. I
was able to hear the Word of God taught, and meet some Christians who began
praying for my salvation. As wonderful as the good news I was hearing was,
I just didn’t have the faith to believe it was for me.... until one night
God poured grace down upon me and gave me faith to believe on Jesus as
my Saviour. He delivered me from death to life that night! To know my sins
were forgiven gave me a peace in my soul I had never known. That void in
my life was instantly filled! After the Holy Spirit enlightened my eyes,
I could finally understand the Bible, and I had a deep hunger to read it.
I knew the promises in it were for me.
One thing though, that became a great snare to me later on is that
I didn’t confess all my past immorality — to God or anyone. I just kinda
“swept it under the rug”. I knew that it was now covered by the blood,
but I had no idea what a stronghold it would be to me in my Christian life.
Almost one year later, I began dating the woman’s son who led me to
the Lord. We were soon engaged and had a basically pure courtship. A little
while before the wedding, he wanted to know about my past. I was too afraid
of what he’d think if he knew what I had really been like, so I lied to
him. Afterwards, I felt so guilty I could hardly look him in the eye. I
knew he was a righteous man and God would protect him. Everything was called
off about two weeks before the wedding. We broke off all ties.
I felt devastated, but I still didn’t realize what the real problem
was. I was trying to cover my sins. (“He that covereth his sins shall
not prosper, but whoso confesseth and forsaketh them shall have mercy.”
- Prov. 28:13) I feel like at that time the Lord was saying, “Brandie,
if you’re going to lie about what you’ve really been, then I’m going to
allow you to openly manifest it.”
One year later, I met my future husband. He wasn’t a believer and I
would witness to him. He was on house arrest, so sometimes I would go to
his apartment and read the Bible to him. (Big mistake.) He
soon came to faith, and my visits became more frequent and I would stay
longer. At first I would set time limits, and have high standards, and
be very careful about how much time we spent together, and he agreed. But
after he was born again I let my guard down and thought, “He needs fellowship.”
My limits began falling by the wayside; I was so emotionally involved by
then. I ended up getting pregnant. I never thought that would happen;
in the beginning I only wanted to share the gospel with him. I can’t explain
the deep sorrow I felt in my heart for sinning against God after
all he had done for me. I cried out to him and begged him to have mercy
on me. I knew I would be chastised, “for whom the Lord loveth, he chasteneth”.
I belonged to him now; I wasn’t my own anymore.
Tommy wanted to marry me, and I felt the Lord would want that. Everything
was announced at church; I knew the Lord wanted the sin exposed. Everyone
was very grieved.
We got married, and we were miserable together. We both came from broken,
unchristian homes and didn’t know how to be husband and wife, but more
than all of that, I know God’s chastening hand was upon us. I felt so grieved
for what I had done; for about a year I would just cry and cry, but I kept
remembering Hebrews 12:11. It says that if you’re “exercised by it” (the
chastening), it yields the “peaceable fruit of righteousness”. I would
just hold on to this verse and many others. God was faithful to
give me just the grace I needed for each day.
We were only together a year and a half and we separated. My husband
went back to his old ways, and now he is in prison. But since that time,
the Lord led me to a family and I learned many things about modesty, no
T.V., raising my children for the Lord. But even better than all of that,
I learned about “confessing your sins to one another” - also confessing
all our sins before the Lord. (Satan can have a foothold in our life, and
our conscience won’t be clear.) Once again my heart and the Holy Spirit
confirmed that this was true, and my experience proved it. I was so glad
to hear someone teach this. Not long after that a couple prayed with me,
and I confessed every known sin before the Lord. It made me even more thankful
for the precious blood of Jesus, and it humbled me greatly. But something
else happened too; afterwards, I had a renewed love for my husband! I can’t
explain all of that except to say:
“He that covereth his sins shall not prosper, but whoso confesseth
and forsaketh them shall have mercy.” -Prov. 28:13
The Lord is working in a mighty way in our marriage now and is teaching
me how to submit to my husband even now while his in prison. Lord willing,
he will be getting out in March 97', and we hope to be reconciled. God
is teaching us both hard lessons right now. We are able to write and occasionally
see each other. I’m looking at it like a courtship. It’s not ideal, but
God has been so merciful to me.
In the meantime I’m looking to God daily to raise up our two little
girls in the ways of God. They are such a blessing to me. It’s very difficult
and lonely at times to raise them alone — but God’s mercy is new every
morning.
I pray my testimony will be a great admonition to the young sisters
who read it. “Say unto wisdom, Thou art my sister; and call understanding
thy kinswoman.” -Prov. 7:4 May God bless you as you walk in his ways.
- Brandie Clayton, TX
Brandie and her two daughters, Sarah and Faith