My Dearest Timothy by Mommy We are printing this letter in memory of our little brother, Timothy, as we have just passed the 11th year since his birth, and the 10th year since his death. We pray that this letter may bless everyone spiritually, and that it might also help others who have experienced this same type of loss. May God bless you! -Summer and Melody Dear precious Timothy, How we love you! Today I went out to your grave and put your picture there. I also took a little teddy bear candle that says, “I love your hugs!” I did love your hugs, baby! I wish I could remember that sweet, precious, little, sugar hug! What a sweet, huggable, lovable baby you were! You loved everybody, and they all loved you, too! Timothy, our darling child, this letter is to you. Although we know you will never receive it, perhaps God will share it with you since He ordains and knows all things. Or perhaps it will all be brought to our remembrance once again when we get to heaven that we might share it with you personally. Memories-precious memories! You lived only a short time, 13 months and 6 days. You died a quick, unforeseen death, but we want to remember some of the special things in your short little life... because we love you so much! You were born on January 18, 1986 after a difficult delivery. You were stuck for a minute or two. How thankful we were that you were all right, and it was almost too good to be true that you were a boy, our second son! Oh, what a happy baby you were! As a little baby, you loved to swing in your baby swing. Your brother and sisters loved to push you and make you laugh. Then when you were about 7 months old, you learned how to swing by yourself. You amazed us! Timothy, do you remember when you ate “The Word”? You actually tore the Bible and ate some of it. That’s not exactly how we are to “eat the Word”, but you had the right idea. We are always suppose to “eat the Word” and make it a part of us. How precious is the Word of God, the Bible! Truly it has been our comfort through your death and our separation. It has been so precious to us! Listening to Jesus and obeying Him- what joy! What a wonderful day it will be when we can obey perfectly- when we will sin no more-when we will love God with all hearts! We long to see you, Timothy! How we long to hold you and to see that bright little shining face and those sparkling eyes! How we long to hold you close and tell you just how much we love you! How we long to see you again someday, and if Jesus gave you that new heart like he gave David when he was a baby, I know we will. (Psalm 22:9-10) How we long to feel your little arms around our necks once again. Then we can sing “Clap Your Hands” together and sing other praises to Jesus. We long to see you, our precious little Timothy, but when we get to heaven, our love for one another will be little as compared with our love for our precious Lord Jesus! Isn’t God a good God to give us so many wonderful gifts? How we praise Him that He gave you to us, to be our little baby, if only for a short time. You’ve taught us so much, blessed us so much, and your death has drawn us ever closer to our Saviour! Our little Timothy, isn’t He a good God to draw our hearts in love to Him? If it were not for His love drawing us, we would not love Him at all. Even though you were not dedicated publicly in a formal dedication service, we have dedicated you to God in our hearts many times. It is a hard thing to give you back to God, but we know that you are His baby. We were only baby-sitting. How we love you, Timothy, but our love for God must be much greater! We praise Jesus for being our substitute, our prophet, priest, and king, our Saviour, and our Lord! The day before your first birthday, Grandmother and Daddy came for your birthday party. We had spaghetti, and of course we had chocolate cake and ice cream, too. Wish we had a picture of you eating that cake, but God ordained that we should not have one because those pictures were ruined. Somehow it is best. I just praise the Lord that He has given us the two precious pictures that we do have of you at that age- the last ones we have besides the casket ones. When I lost you, I realized then that pictures are nothing. I’d much rather have you than those pictures, but I praise the Lord for the pictures that we do have. The pictures are the Lord’s, just as you are, my little Timothy. All we own is really the Lord’s. If He were to take them all away by fire or whatever, may I be able to truly say, “The Lord gave, and the Lord hath taken away; blessed be the name of the Lord.” (Job 1:21b) just as I say right now concerning you. Truly, it is only by God’s grace that I can say this, Timothy, but the Lord had done a work in my heart to prepare me for your death. Well, our thoughts take us back to your birthday now, Timothy boy. One thing you got was a musical chicky from your grandparents. You especially liked the chicky. (That little chicken is with your precious body right now in your casket. Did you know that?) You loved that little musical chicky so much that you weren’t quite willing to share it with your big brother. That was the only toy that I can remember that you were not willing to share, but your sisters say that you did give him the chicky for awhile. You went to get another toy for him, and then you wanted your chicky back. I’m glad you decided to share a little bit. It makes us feel sad to realize that you were a sinner, but we are all sinners by nature. Aren’t we? Jesus was the only righteous and sinless man that ever lived. Isn’t it a wonderful thing to know that we get to heaven by Christ’s righteousness and not our own? Do you remember the fun stroller rides? We sure enjoyed our rides, didn’t we? I can just see you moving back and forth to try to make the stroller go faster. Sometimes your brother would sit right in front of you and lean back. You usually took it very patiently. Such a patient child! I pray that God will help me to be that patient. Do you remember the little red wagon? I can just see you riding in that little red wagon as your sisters pulled you through the livingroom, through the hall, through the bedroom, through the kitchen- around and around and around. You were so trusting, too! So smiley- so trusting- never believing that the wagon could tip over like it did! Poor baby, but you were ready to go again! We loved to watch you play “ring-around-the rosies” with your brother and sisters, too. The Sit-n-Spin was also another toy that you loved. I can just see you with your big sister going round and round and leaning back as she held you on by her feet. You got so dizzy that I had to make her stop, but you loved it. You were so cute! Our baby Timothy, was it hard for you to leave us for good? I guess not, if you are with Jesus, because Jesus is a much better mother and father than we are. Oh, just to be with Jesus! There is true safety, peace, love, and no tears. Timothy, here I am crying, but I can just imagine your smiles just now! Praise the Lord that all our tears will be turned into laughter someday. Heaven will be a place where all tears will be wiped away. The other day I was up at your grave again, and I was looking up at the sky and thinking how wonderful it would be to see you rise from that grave someday while we were standing there, and then to begin going up, too, to be with Jesus! How wonderful that would be! Last night I thought about you as I lay there in bed before going to sleep, and I just had to cry, cry, cry! I miss your sweet little face and happy smile! Oh, Timothy, I prayed this morning and asked God why you had to die. I know there are many reasons, I’m sure. Maybe we won’t ever know all the reasons until we get to heaven, but I see some of them even now. One thing is true, and that is this: when I begin to cry for you, I know Jesus’ love in a way that I have never known before. He is my Comfort, my Rock, and my Shield. He understands and brings me comfort. My heart is drawn closer to Him everytime I think of you, my little Timothy. His way is always best! I know it is, even though I hurt inside because I miss you so! Now my thoughts turn to the last days of your life... You woke up Sunday, February 22, 1987, and you seemed a little groggy, and you had a runny nose. We didn’t think much about it until churchtime. The nursery workers said that they thought you had a temperature. When we got home from church, we took your temperature. It was about 101O or 102O, so we gave you some Tylenol. We thought you just had some kind of virus. After supper you toddled around the livingroom, spilled my tea accidentally, and ate one of my strawberries. We had no idea that you were so sick. (Poor little Timothy, we love you so much!) We put you in bed at bedtime, but you woke up before our bedtime and had thrown up all over your sheets. Our precious baby, we took your temperature, and it climbed to about 105O! Do you remember the cool bath? When we called the doctor, he didn’t seem to be all that concerned, so we tried to remain calm and get some Tylenol to stay in your tummy, which was hard because you kept throwing up. We heaped much tender affection upon you that night, and I can remember thinking, “I love Timothy so very, very, much, but I know my love doesn’t even compare at all with the perfect love that my heavenly Father has for me.” God was preparing me right then and there for your death, wasn’t He, precious? But I didn’t have any idea that you were so close to death. We didn’t get much sleep that night, did we? You woke up several times dry heaving. We finally got a little Tylenol down you, just a little bit at a time. Your fever came down, and you finally stopped dry heaving after we got you some suppositories. We became somewhat concerned when you would wake up and then fall back down asleep, and then you began to turn blue around the mouth and between the eyes. The doctor didn’t seem to be all that concerned about you, so we tried to stay calm and not bother him a third time in the middle of the night over that. We thought the blue was just because you were so sick with a high temperature. (Oh, Timothy, when I think about it, I just want to cry!) We thought things would be better the next morning. You were still nursing, and your temperature was down. You weren’t even vomiting anymore. But.. there you were, our precious Timothy, not in any apparent pain, but just very droopy-eyed. Your eyes looked strange, and you just flopped down on the living room floor as if you were just very tired and could not keep your eyes open. We called the doctor, and he said to come on in. The doctor didn’t seem to be in any hurry to see you, and so we weren’t either. When we got to the doctor and into the room, your tongue sort of rolled back and your mouth fell open as your eyes rolled back. It really scared me! You were so sick, but the doctor didn’t seem to be in any big hurry to get you into the hospital. Oh, my little Timothy, you could hardly sit up or stay awake, but the doctor still thought you just had some kind of virus. We went to Vanderbilt for some tests, though, and you slept off and on all the way there. If we had only known how sick you were, we would have flown you by helicopter! Anyway, when we got to Vanderbilt that Monday about noon, I carried you in. I’m so glad I did, for that was the last time I got to hold you while you were still conscious. Oh, my baby, you know we love you, don’t you? If I had only known that I wouldn’t get to hold you anymore for almost a whole day, I certainly would have said, “We love you, Timothy. God will be with you”, before they took you from my arms and whisked me down to the admitting office. I panicked a little and thought, “What if they kidnap him? What if I can’t find him when I get back?” I rushed there and back as quickly as I could. My heart was with you! Timothy, the Lord knows that I have had to heal with anger concerning this, but by God’s grace, I can forgive them and pray that God will give those nurses more sensitivity about “baby snatching”. God says that if we don’t forgive others that He won’t forgive us. So by His grace, I forgive them. My baby, that’s the last time I saw you conscious, I believe. Oh, Timothy, I miss you! I’m so sorry! I’m crying “bucketfuls” of tears now! If I could only live that moment over again and say, “Timothy, we love you! We are here, not far away, and God is with us.” I hope you know, darling, that we thought we would see you again in a few minutes and everything would be fine. I hope you know that we did not mean to abandon you. We were giving you to the doctors and nurses so that they might diagnose your problem and help you to get well. You know that, don’t you, darling? I just pray that God will tell you all that is in our hearts and help you to understand all that happened. You will always be our precious baby, Timothy! When you came out after the spinal tap, they said that you had spinal meningitis and a 50% chance of survival. When they rolled you up to ICU, there we were walking right beside and behind you. Did you know that we were there? Probably not, but I do hope and pray that perhaps God will convey that message to you as well. I wish that I had reached out and touched you while we were in the elevator. I wanted to so much, but I thought I’d wait till we were alone. I thought it would be only a few minutes, but I was wrong. Those few minutes turned into hours. I’m sure you were getting worse, and they kept putting us off. Oh, Timothy, it was 4:00 or 5:00 or so before they let us see you, and even then, we were not alone, but it did not matter that all those doctors and nurses were in the room. I talked and sang to you, and the doctor said that perhaps you could still hear me. Did you, baby? Did you know that we were there-loving you, praying for you, crying for you? Oh, how we loved you! We so much wanted to see you live! I dedicated you to God and told Him that if He would only let you live, that I would do my best to lead you to love God and to encourage you to be a preacher or missionary for Him someday. But God chose to glorify Himself through your death, and you have done much in your little life and by your death to bring others to the Lord, perhaps more than you could have done if you had lived. Your name means “Honoring God”, and I believe you have done just that. So we give thanks to God and glorify His Name! Hallelujah! Blessed be the Lord! My little Timothy, everytime I turn around, I see your bright, smiley picture. The big picture that we had displayed at the funeral is on the chest of drawers here at Mom-o’s house. I’m looking at it right now. Oh, what a sweet happy smile! I looked through the pictures this afternoon and saw a picture of you, fast asleep on your uncle’s lap, and it made me cry. It’s been awhile since you left us, and in some ways, it seems like such a long time ago, but I can’t forget and don’t want to. You are still very much on my mind daily. You will always be our precious little baby, Timothy! Now my thoughts turn back to the hospital... There you were dying... spending your last day on earth, and we were seeking the Lord... trusting Him... believing that His way is always best! Family and friends came. Our pastor and others were there all night long. What Christian love, and what support! How I praise the Lord for the prayers, the Psalms singing, etc. that we did together that night! I praise the Lord that He was so near to us during that time! We were not sure whether you would live or die that night. In the early morning hours we tried to get some sleep, but everytime the ICU door banged, I thought they would open my door and tell me that you had died, and we so much wanted to be with you during your last moments. I could not sleep, but I made it through the night because of a song that sung: For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; But of power,and of love,and of a sound mind. Greater is he that is in (me); Greater is he that is in (me); Greater is he that is in (me); Than he that is in the world. - (II Timothy 1:7 and I John 4:4b) I sang this song over and over, and when I sang, the Lord helped me. About a week later, I sang the song again when your brother was rushed to the emergency room with some of the same spinal meningitis symptoms that you had. We thank the Lord that he was O.K. Timothy, that night your kidneys failed, and your body swelled. Your sturdy little legs turned purple and cold. When I think of it, it makes me cry. They told us that if you lived, they would have to amputate your legs and little hand. You were already brain damaged, no doubt. (Oh, Timothy, I love you so much!!!) God surely knows best! You breathed your last on Feb. 24, 1987. How thankful we were that we could hold you when you took your last breath! And because Jesus was there with us, too, I am not as afraid of death as I once was. “Yea, though I walk(ed) through the valley of the shadow of death, I... fear(ed) no evil: for (the Lord was) with me.” (Psalm 23:4) We praise the Lord also that they gave us the opportunity to carry your little body to the funeral home ourselves. We took turns holding your little body that was all wrapped up.You were so heavy because your body had swelled due to kidney failure. We held you and uncovered your precious little face and gazed upon you. Your body was cold and heavy, but what a peaceful face! It seemed as if you were just sleeping in a way, but we knew that you were already gone. How I wished that we could see those sparkling, blue eyes just one more time, but we had peace knowing that God’s will was done! The next day we took your brand new little white shirt and blue overalls to the funeral home so that they could dress you. You looked so sweet! We told your brother and sisters Wednesday that you had died. Your big sister took it very hard, but she said that she was glad that God had let us “babysit” you for awhile. They made special cards for you and put them in your casket along with some of your favorite toys. They all loved you so much, and they still talk about you often. Timothy, that Wednesday night the church had a very special prayer meeting for us. John 3:16 was read— “For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in Him should not perish but have everlasting life.” What love the Father has for His sheep! It was impressed upon us as never before what a sacrifice the Lord made when He gave His only Son for sinners. Little Timothy, we know now what it is to give up a son, so that verse has more meaning for us. That night I experienced grief such as I had never experienced before or since. My little Timothy, my heart felt like it was having an earthquake and being ripped into! I cannot express how much I missed you. I just bawled and bawled and bawled! The funeral was Thursday morning. It was a precious service that blessed my heart! As we looked at your lovely, white casket and your picture on top, we missed you greatly, but we knew that your death was God’s will. Oh, little Timothy, I just praise the Lord, and I pray that my life and death will glorify God as yours did! Psalm 27:4-6 is a passage that meant much to me right after you were born, little Timothy. At the time I did not realize how much it would mean to me a year later. We sang this song at your funeral- "One thing have I desired of the LORD, that will I seek after; that I may dwell in the house of the LORD all the days of my life, to behold the beauty of the LORD, and to inquire in his temple. For in the time of trouble he shall hide me in his pavilion: in the secret of his tabernacle shall he hide me; he shall set me up upon a rock. And now shall mine head be lifted up above mine enemies round about me: therefore will I offer in his tabernacle sacrifices of joy; I will sing, yea, I will sing praises unto the LORD." “I Am His, and He is Mine” was also sung along with some other songs: Loved with everlasting love, Led by grace that love to know: Spirit, breathing from above, Thou hast taught me it is so! O this full and perfect peace, O this transport all divine- In a love which cannot cease, I am His and He is mine; In a love which cannot cease, I am His and He is mine. Things that once were wild alarms Cannot now disturb my rest: Closed in everlasting arms, Pillowed on the loving breast! O to lie forever here, Doubt and care and self resign, While He whispers in my ear- I am His and He is mine; While He whispers in my ear- I am His and He is mine. (Verses 1 and 3) Your death, my little Timothy, made me realize more than ever what a glorious blessing it is to be in Christ and to know His love! What a special graveside service we had, too. “I’m Just Another Pilgrim” was played and sung, and how that blessed my soul also. Timothy, I’m just a pilgrim, and my real home is in heaven, so as I watched them lower your body into the ground, I wanted to go and be with Jesus right then and there. It brought a smile to my face and a song in my heart to think of heaven. Oh, to be with Jesus will be glorious! But I have remained till this day, and that is best for that is God’s plan. I pray that when my time comes, whenever it may be, that I might not be afraid to die. You were not afraid to die at all, Timothy, were you? You did not even know that you were so sick or that there was such a thing as death and separation from Daddy and Mommy for a long time. If, and when we see you again, our darling baby, we will probably say, "It wasn’t really that long of a separation for a ‘day with the Lord is as a thousand years and a thousand years as a day.’" Our dear little Timothy, if we had only known on Jan. 18, 1986, that you would die on Feb. 24, 1987.. But it is best that we did not know. God’s ways are always best! When we look back on your short little life, we see there many instances in which God could have taken you... at the time of your birth- the time you had the virus with 103O- the time your brother gave you bread, and you almost choked- the time you almost choked on tree bark- the time you almost fell off the porch..., but the Lord brought you through all that and took you in HIS TIME. God is sovereign! He had you in His hand all along, and there was no need for us to worry or to fear. Just to think... the Lord knew that exact moment of your death a long time ago! It is comforting to know that God declares “the end from the beginning, and from ancient times the things that are not yet done, saying, my counsel shall stand, and I will do all my pleasure.” (Isaiah 46:10) Knowing that your death, our little Timothy, was ordained by our loving heavenly Father, gives us peace. He who has given us “all things richly to enjoy” shall be praised! How could we do anything but praise Him? Timothy, He ordained that you would be our second bouncing baby boy, so sweet and cuddly. How we praise Him that we had the opportunity to be your parents! And we know that “all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose.” (Romans 8:28) Dear Timothy, God has given me “beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness...” (Isaiah 61:3b) Listening to hymns and singing Psalms to Jesus is the thing that is helping me through my grief. Jesus is holding me! Oh, how can anyone survive the death of a loved one if they have not Jesus? He alone fully understands! Our dear Timothy, as you know, life is so short and death is so sure! Most people know that, Timothy, but most of them do not really know that... or else they would seek the Lord and His way and repent of their rebellion towards Him, wouldn’t they? They want their own way instead of God’s way and do not realize that “he that believeth not the Son shall not see life; but the wrath of God abideth on him.” (John 3:36b) Oh, Timothy, what a sad ending is in store for these unless they turn to God. So many are also deceived in thinking that they are Christians, when they are not. They need a new heart and a new life, which only God can give them. It is so sad, Timothy, that many search for meaning in life in various ways, but have none, because they do not realize that “Man’s chief end is to glorify God and to enjoy Him forever!” (Answer 1 of Spurgeon’s Catechism) This is the reason that they were made- to glorify God and to enjoy Him, but they believe that if their good deeds outweigh their bad deeds that they will somehow make it to heaven. Oh, Timothy, they do not realize that they were born with a bad heart and that because they do not love the Lord with all their heart, soul, and mind that they have sinned against the Lord in a very grievous way, and that this one sin alone is enough to send them to an eternal, fiery hell! Timothy, only a personal relationship with Jesus Christ will get them to heaven. They must commit themselves to Him and be “married” to Him. Then, and only then, can they have that peace that passes all understanding! For Christ’s righteousness is the only thing that will get them to heaven. The shed blood and death of Jesus Christ on behalf of sinners is a very precious thing, and only by trusting in Jesus will sinners be forgiven and have hope of eternal life. If we have Jesus, we have everything. If we have not the Lord Jesus, we have... nothing! Timothy, perhaps your death and this letter will spark someone’s interest in heavenly and spiritual things that they might seek the Lord with all their heart, and that they might be found of Him. For the Lord says, “And ye shall search for me with all your heart, and I will be found of you, saith the Lord” (Jer. 29:13-14a) Wouldn’t it be wonderful, our little Timothy, if someone would read your letter and learn this secret to life: Happiness is found not in health, wealth, worldly pleasures or power, but in a person- Jesus! This is our prayer for them. Now, our little Timothy, remember that you are always “in our hearts”. We love you! And in our love, we give you to our loving Lord. Love always, Mommy YWSH Main Page